No Better…

Better1

Yes, that is me…….

You know, years ago….oh, I guess it’s a lifetime ago now……when I lived in Scranton, Pennsylvania, I did play that game…….competing with everyone, thinking that if I paid more for things and if I had STUFF, well, this would make me more important, and actually better than the guy or gal next door…..HA!  I am so glad that I no longer have to play THAT game anymore!  But, if they could see how I live NOW……which isn’t horrid, but far more simply than I lived up there……well, I know it would shock them and even give them things to talk about for many years.  So, I’d really rather they didn’t see…….

Now, the reason for my writing this piece………As usual, I can’t sleep……my mind is going a mile a minute……..I just go from angry to scared to hurt and grief………..

Okay………how can I make sure that my daughter…in fact, ALL of them up there……sees this piece…..I’ve already unblocked them all on Facebook so they can see the links to my Blog each day………other than actually sending her the link, I don’t know what else to do…..but, I’ll write anyhow…….maybe someone will read this and tell her…….

Daughter, you say that I’m the bitter one, but you are so wrong here……in fact, if I have any bitterness in my heart, it’s towards me and my mistakes………..so, since you have such very low esteem for me, maybe it’s time for you to find your REAL Mother…….I’ve had my doubts since the nurse first brought you in to me at the Hospital…..I clearly recall telling Richard, “This isn’t MY baby girl.”  But the nurse checked the bracelet and said it was okay.  Then, later, when he and I went to view you in the nursery, I pointed to a baby girl there but the nurse wheeled you over…….not the baby I’d pointed to……..so, we took you home and raised you.  I managed to forget those doubts over the years……until you got pregnant with Mindy and they typed your blood…..remember?  What is your blood type?  AB negative?  Your Dad is O+ and so am I…….how likely is it that we would produce a baby with your blood type?  Nearly impossible……….I’m sorry to tell you this way, but I have long found it nearly impossible to believe that you’re mine………..though, I am guessing that you probably are………you act so much like my sister, Nan….whom you also seem to admire………that girl has no real heart……she is frigid………

Now, let’s get down to basic facts………..

You treated your brothers like they were trash when they came up there……they were raised with you….you once loved them, or so I thought!  Yet, you tell me that I’m the hateful one?  It tears at my heart when I think of how you treated Joe, especially…he’s so simple-minded and kind……and he NEVER said what Charlie claims he did…….he would never be that crude!  First, you take him away from me, then when he starts to show signs of having the same condition as me, and he becomes an inconvenience in your precious life, you send him back to me…..HA!  I was glad to get him back, and he finished school and even worked for awhile……..people here aren’t rushing around, climbing that ladder of success to get rich, so they can buy $500 handbags that are just used to carry stuff in…no, life here is more simple, and peaceful……if this makes us hicks, so be it!

Now, while I was there………the visit was okay but I was glad to get back here, where I feel at home and wanted….neither of which I felt up there.  I was often the butt-end of jokes your girls would make, Mariah actually scolded me a couple of times, John yelled when I crapped IN THE TOILET— tell me then:  WHERE do you all crap?  Do you go outside and dig a hole somewhere?  Also, the first day I was there, you made a point of telling me that YOU would NOT visit anyone in MY family………well!  Now, none of us is good enough?  So, after that, I was afraid to even attempt to call anyone and to visit them………I didn’t want you to be offended……….

You CAN discipline your CHILDREN still…………on my first visit, I saw how the girls made fun of John’s Mother, too, and this isn’t right or proper and NEVER should have been allowed…….you gave them a bad example because YOU used to act the very same way!  I was always telling you about it…remember?  And, so Mariah and Mindy think they can treat me the same way?  No!  If you won’t nip it, then I had to try…….funny…..Jonathan doesn’t act quite the same as you and the girls………

Also, if you ever wanted your husband to quit drinking, then why would you keep a fully loaded bar in the house?  He is not that strong………so, if his habit finally drove you two apart, it’s mostly your own fault……….didn’t you learn anything from me?  Alcoholism is a family disease……..you all share in the treatment of it……if you and the kids are going to go on drinking in front of him, he’s going to find a way to drink, too…….geez!  But, I guess it’s too late for all this now……….why he stays at the house is beyond me…….is it just to save face?  Because I also suspect that you have another man……….I can read between lines……..he was mentioned while I was there……..Bill?  Does he work at the same Law Firm?

You like to act like I’ve been so bad……..well, aren’t you doing some of the same things that I did?  At least I was open and up-front…………….I didn’t put on a sham of a marriage to hide the truth………..

Oh, by the way, your Dad is still alive and well, in Barstow…………I’ve been through that small town so many times!  I never ran into him, thank God!  What I have now is worth twenty of him………….

God bless and keep you…………..